Seduction of a reluctant city boy

When I was first introduced to the world of RV-ing, I had no idea of what was in store for me in this strange new lifestyle. I, like most middle-aged or older men had to be coecered, kicking and screaming all the way into this, what I thought at the time, was a weird environment with all its unique customs, vernacular, and habits. Again like most men my age, my stock answer about camping was I had enough of it while in the Army and had no desire to ever bivouac again in this lifetime or the next. It is hardly worth mentioning, but I was bred and raised minutes from Manhattan, New York, and for years I thought a cow was a milk vending machine at the corner of two intersecting thoroughfares. I really show my age with that. Naturally I didn’t have a clue that this lifestyle would hook and catch me.

I was not aware of just how devious RV-ers could be and the lengths they would go to in order to recruit new members into their society. I guess I should start at the beginning of my arduous journey. Shortly after I was married to a wonderful woman, it started. First I must mention how she lovingly talked of camping and how much it had taught her to appreciate different worlds and lifestyles. I just shrugged and said that was nice, but again I had had enough of it while in the service. The topic wouldn’t surface again for a month or two then it would sneak surreptitiously back into our lives usually after seeing a beautiful sunset or some beautiful landscape. I thought I had cleverly avoided making a commitment of actually doing anything about her continuous requests to camp; that is until after a very hard day at work and then a trip to the couch to veg out in front of the TV, she hits me with the news that her parents, more members of the sect, had offered to loan us their new fifth-wheel for a weekend at a local state run campground. I had no idea what the heck a fifth-wheel was; I thought it might be a kind of continent kit like on the old fifties cars. But rather than show my ignorance with a question about a fifth-wheel, or offend my wife and my in-laws with a refusal to camp in this fifth-wheel, or even more important, since I always told them how I had an absolute hatred of towing anything bigger then a luggage carrier through an airport, I reluctantly agreed to this perilous trip since they offered to tow it to the camp site and set it up. So, what is “setting up camp”?

As the date approached, my trepidations were equally met with my wife’s jubilance! I was met by a long condescending sigh and a roll of eyeballs when I dared to ask the day before we were scheduled to leave, where the sleeping bags, canteens with the metal cups around them, the metal mess kits, ropes, pegs, entrenching tools and all the other paraphernalia that goes with the expedition were. Her answer was not to worry; her mother and father had it all taken care and we would have enough survival gear to make it there and back. So this is what was meant by “setting up camp”.

Now that the hour of the dreaded departure came I thought of feigning illness like a grammar school child not wanting to go to school to face a test. We headed out. I drove, white knuckled at the steering wheel of my mud free, never been off pavement, sport, utility vehicle until we reached the main gate of the campground. Here we were met by another member of the sect. The guard at the gate was super friendly and helpful in directing us to our site but I was still positive it was an act, and once we were in the campground, it was his job to make sure we didn’t get out.

I did not expect to be greeted by the vast array of colors, shapes, chrome, fancy graphics and set-ups that assaulted my senses. My eyes darted from one to another causing me to look like a spectator at a fast tennis match. Where were the olive drab tents hiding? Now I learned of a new facet of camping; it was very evident that there was a price and a place for everyone who really needed to be a camper. It seemed there was a range from $39.95 for a tent to over a million for one of the outlandish busses (sorry I mean a class “A” camper). I then made another observation; the one leveler of the society was the fact that basically all the sites are the same; it doesn’t matter what you put on it, or who will be set up next to you. What a bonus to the sect.
The manufacturers are really smart and have outdone themselves in plying their trade. The RV’s have a little something for every one. The appearances, appliances and comforts are pleasing to the females, and the engines, power jacks, sway bars, and all other goodies make one wonder how many gallons of testosterone per mile the men folk will get.

We parked next to this behemoth blue and white portable structure that I was soon to learn was a fifth wheel. We were met enthusiastically by my smiling in-laws who ceremoniously ushered me into their palacial camper. This was not camping as I knew it; this was more akin to a very expensive luxurious hotel suite on wheels. Being a seasoned business traveler, I can attest to the fact that the expense department at any company would go ballistic if they had to pay for this much splendor!

These people were not finished indoctrinating me as a member of the sect. I think they must have had done a psychological profile on me. After an almost gourmet meal fixed in the roomy kitchen area, my father-law pried me out of the over-stuffed lounging chair that had become my new best friend and escorted me outside with a sly smile and a promise of the best yet to come. My heart jumped at the glorious roaring campfire! How did he and the others know about secret fascination with fire, that I was a closet pyromaniac?

I was in my heaven now feeding this bonfire with the wood that was neatly stacked next to the site. All through the night there was a sporadic parade of people of varying shapes, all dressed in their camping uniforms of shorts and tee shirts, trodding on well-worn sandals. In turn they would smile and nod a short greeting while passing by the site. I soon learned that they would quickly move on, unless you said something that would invite them into your private space. Where had the members found so many folks that were nice, friendly, and that had this shared interest? Boy this group was really good.

As we had left our weekend retreat behind another surprise was in store for me; a pop-up, what is a pop-up? Is it a toaster, or a breakfast tart? I wasn’t sure which, or what it was. It seems that my more beautiful than ever wife had an interest in a pop-up camper from a past life. I agreed to try out this new adventure without as much hesitation as my initial foray into this new universe. Again for someone who is absolutely against towing anything bigger then a leaf catcher behind my rider mower, I agreed I would try. It was almost ten whole minutes before I realized my fears had evaporated. It was a snap; I didn’t even know or feel this extra set of wheels just inches from my shiny rear bumper.

Upon our arrival at the same campground as before, the very same greeter greeted me. Now I no longer thought of him as a guard. His only statement was “ back so soon” with a knowing smirk. I was terrified there would be a group of people at our site waiting to ridicule and heckle me while I maneuvered this thing onto the space; however, I was sorely disappointed there was no audience present after I negotiated the pop-up perfectly on the first attempt. Boy was I all swollen with pride! I didn’t want to leave this campsite, or this new world!

We had completed our set up in record time! I will admit I had secretly practiced putting the pop-up up and down about a dozen times when no one was home and mastered the feat, plus hooking up the electricity and water all myself. I started to feel like a real seasoned professional. No sooner then we had strategically placed our chairs near the fire ring, my father-in-law appeared, taking no chances of losing his new recruit. He opened the rear doors of his oversized van and out poured a bonanza of kindling sticks and firewood to feed my fire fetishes.

I had one more personality transformation to attain before I could officially apply for member into this world; it was relatively painless as I haplessly wandered into RV supply depot. I stood in the crowded check out line with all the other shoppers with overflowing carts, and I noticed all the other people around with dazzled bewildered looks. Of course this need not stop them from sneaking looks into everyone else’s cart on the chance they had overlooked something neat. So camping stores are a necessity to this way of life. It is almost hilarious to watch RV owners shop in the camping stores. There is a fast growing new chain of stores popping up everywhere now, not just restricted to malls in vacation areas, but are usually placed near major interstate crossroads. This should tell someone just what a money machine this type of store is. An Rver goes into the outdoor goodie shop struts around as if he really knows what he is looking at, finds something that he thinks is what he needs and, like a lemming or a lamb going to slaughter, gets in a checkout line and meekly shells out the over inflated cost without even a grimace. (As soon as a label saying “RV Approved “is added, the cost of an item, any item, skyrockets immediately. For instance, a small electrical connector at a home center might be fifteen cents. Now the same part, labeled RV electrical connector, is one dollar; this is legalized stealing! This is all in the name of camping!

After another two weekends in a row of camping, I was voluntarily inducted as a lifetime, permanent, willing, and happy member of the RVing Society, never again to be the same again. Of course to become a member there is an unwritten law that, you too must become a recruiter to other worthy individuals. Look out little sister I am coming after you. Oh yes there is one other unwritten law to stay in good graces with the sect (I have already fulfilled this one) always be ready to upgrade on impulse, whether you need to or not.

In the future, when I sit around my toasty, relaxing fire with my yellow legal pad and pencil stub, I will reveal some other secrets of the society, like camper voyerourism, secret nods and handshakes, and silly traits.