Gray Matter vs. Gray Water, by Greg Hopson

According to my brand spanking new Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary (Eleventh Edition) gray water is “household wastewater (as from a sink or bath) that does not contain serious contaminants (as from toilets or diapers).”
According to my seventh grade science teacher gray matter is “the stuff that’s in your head.”

During the first camping trip we made in our 2002 Coleman Utah, my own personal gray matter was challenged by none other than the vexatious gray water. (Vexatious means “troubled.” Gray water is almost certainly the troubled water the bridge went over. You know, the one Simon and Garfunkel sang about.)

This whole thing with the gray water started off quite innocently. Our camper came with a Portable Gray Water Storage System. It looked pretty easy to set up and easy to use. The main component of the Portable Gray Water Storage System was the Tote-Along Tank.

The Tote-Along Tank, or simply Tote-Along, was a large, gray (of course) container with wheels that was stowed on a rack underneath the camper. All I had to do was undo the latches, lower the rack to make a ramp, grab the handle, and roll the Tote-Along down to the ground.

When I tried it, it rolled right down the ramp with no problem. Next, I rolled it to the side of the camper, attached the hose to the drain and ---presto! ---the Portable Gray Water Storage System was functional!
Pretty easy!

Score 1 for me. Score: Gray Matter: 1 -- Gray Water: 0

We had a great time in our camper and I hardly gave the Portable Gray Water Storage System a second thought as we washed dishes, washed our faces and hands, and brushed our teeth. In other words, we did all of the normal things one does to make regular contributions to the Tote-Along.

When the trip was over and it was time to go home I walked out to the Tote-Along to empty it. I had no idea what to do. I mean, just how does one empty a full Tote-Along? I pulled out the sales brochure for reference. (On those early trips I always kept it handy in the camper.)

It had a picture of a guy demonstrating how to deal with a Tote-Along. I immediately saw a problem. He was wearing clothes way nicer than anything I ever wear camping. I hoped that proper attire was not essential to emptying the tank. It was a risk I would have to take.

The second thing I noticed was that he was casually strolling along pulling the Tote-Along behind him. That I could do. I would simply lift the Tote-Along by the handle and casually pull it along behind me to the dump station.
I unhooked the hose, put the drain caps on, grabbed the handle and pulled up.
My arm almost came out of its socket.

You know how there’s wind chill? When it’s 30 degrees but it feels like its 20? I found out that there’s a similar rule for gray water. I call it the ‘weight feel’ factor. Fifteen gallons of gray water feels like 150 gallons.
Score 1 for the gray water.

Score: Gray Matter: 1 -- Gray Water: 1

There was no way I was going to be able to haul this thing anywhere.
Then it occurred to me that there was a better way to handle this. I would simply roll the Tote-Along back on its little ramp under the camper. We’d stop at the dump station on the way out and I’d roll it off and dump it. Easy enough.

After ten minutes of struggle, I managed to get the Tote-Along over to the rear of the camper. Then, using both hands and a burst of brute strength I didn’t know I had I got it up the ramp. Next I needed to raise the ramp several inches off the ground to latch the Tote-Along into position. I simply needed to lift fifteen gallons that felt like 150 while lying on my back under a camper, with no leverage whatsoever.

I think you already guessed the winner of this round.
Score: Gray Matter: 1 -- Gray Water: 2

At least it would be easy to roll off the ramp.
Did you know that a Tote-Along with fifteen-gallons-that-feels-like-150 accelerates down a ramp at a rate worthy of a Porsche? I didn’t. Somehow, though, I managed to get out of the way.

When it finally stopped, it lay there on the ground, mocking me. Troubled gray water was leaking out around the drain caps. It was taunting me. Daring me to do something. Daring me to empty it. So I did. For legal reasons, I won’t describe exactly how and where I did this because my actions fell into sort of a gray area. But when I was done, the Tote-Along was empty and properly stowed.

Final Score: Gray Matter: 2 -- Gray Water: 2

(Yeah, I know, it was a draw and there should be some joke in here about ‘drawing water’. Sorry. There isn’t one.) On later trips I used trial and error (mostly error) to find the best way to get to the dump station (the only place I dispose of my gray water now).

I recommend one of two approaches:

1. Empty the Tote-Along before it gets full. It’s pretty manageable to drag a Tote-Along by hand when it’s half empty, or half full. Either way works.
2. Attach the Tote-Along to the trailer hitch and tow it to the dump station. This works for me, but I still have some glitches to work out. I’ve been using bungee cords to attach the Tote-Along to my trailer hitch. They’re not really the best tools for this job. They kind of give way and instead of pulling the tank along like a small trailer, the bungee cords sag and I end up dragging the Tote-Along like a millstone. The amount of dust kicked up is surpassed only by noise generated. The sound brings to mind the word “Armageddon” and it reverberates to the farthest campsite. People come out and stand by the road and watch me drive by. It’s like being in a parade. A really bad parade. One that everyone is hoping will end very soon. And when I see the looks on their faces I hope it will end soon. I strongly recommend using Option 1 unless you can actually tow, instead of drag, your Tote-Along behind your tow vehicle.

In closing, I would like to point out that my experiences have been fruitful for the growing field of Pop Up Camping Science.

In addition to the concept of “weight feel”, I have also contributed a new scientific formula:

Gray Matter + Gray Water = Gray Hair